This is a topic I wasn’t going to discuss openly, yet alone on my blog. I feel sick, like the way you feel after accidentally overfeeding a goldfish to find it belly up in the morning. You were just taking care of it, and it died. You know it wasn’t intentional but feel sick to your stomach anyways.
My goldfish died a year ago. And when I say goldfish I mean my marriage.
You never know what the future holds, but I was a naive 20-something bound and determined to hold on to a boyfriend. I had a long-standing semi-long-distance relationship that went nowhere for years and I got out of it. Since then it’s been like grasping at straws and water running through my fingers, nothing was sticking. Until I met him, the one who stuck, and ultimately destroyed himself and the goldfish.
I wanted to write about the process, emotionally and whatnot, but it’s still too gripping, a nightmarish flash of the detrimental blow to the fish tank. All I can say is, I survived and it’s going to be a long road ahead.
That road is full of possibilities, one of which is chocolate. What do I reach for when dealing with a dead goldfish? Coffee Crisp. Chocolate covered strawberries. Chocolate cake. Chocolate cakeballs covered in chocolate. Hot chocolate. Peanut Butter Cups. Valentine’s Day was especially hard to hold restraint from diving into the bins of chocolate in the stores. Now I feel a little pudgy.
Deciding that feeding my emotions was not a healthy response, I backed away from the cupcakes and Girl Scout Thin Mints. I went for a run (!!!) with my dog and felt like I was going to die, lung and calves burning. A full-out run in the park should have started with a brisk walk, maybe even a jog. I used to cross-country ski when I lived in the snow, and swam every morning before class in college. Life crept in and pushed out the will to exercise, then again, I could blame it on the goldfish.
midnitechef 
I used to be either at the gym or at a dance class when I had a boyfriend (feels strange to say that since he’s now my husband). Not sure what happened between dating and marriage that somehow my will to exercise is now rolled up neatly somewhere in my sock drawer.
It’s never too late to start again…
I’m sorry to hear that life hasn’t been peachy lately. (understatement, much?) I hope things go upwards from hereon in – I’m praying for you!
Thanks Bean 🙂
I am sorry to hear this. How painful for everyone 😦 The good news is, there are lots of people who love you who will help you get through. What no one tells you and what I learned first hand is, after the end – there is a beginning.
Yes, the end has dragged out for a year now and I’m tired of it… Tired of feeling stuck. Bigger and better things await, right?
you betcha babe!
I’m so sorry to hear about your goldfish… I mean, marriage.
Start slow with the exercise. It’s hard, but so worth it to establish healthy habits, and pretty soon you’ll be going for that run without a second thought, and enjoying it! I can’t say enough about how good exercise is for my emotional state. I like to “run out” my problems… and I swear it works.
Plus, that means more chocolate. Yay chocolate!
Not that I’m pressuring you, but here’s the Couch-to-5K plan I used to start running years ago:
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml
Or, better, yet, go join an intro class at Rogue and meet some awesome people!
I will stop giving you my running sales pitch now. I swear, I don’t get paid… I just love it.
Hey Lauren, thanks for the running tips! I read a couple other blogs that also talk about running, I just need to get outside 🙂
I may have to try that. I exercise regularly but have never been able to run much (3 miles is tops) without my knees paying the price.
And I too am sorry. But I am glad you are writing. I find it so cathartic and helps with the letting go, even more than chocolate.
🙂